The Laziest Crap Ever Invented

I am soooo LAZY!!!!

2008-10-10T05:30:00.000-07:00

ME!!

It has been a long time since I last entered a post here and I thought to apologize in this here post to anybody who was reading them. But, then I thought B@LL@€Ks to that! My lack of ability to add a further post, even on my off days, is proof that my blog site is accurate in its claim. I have been invented, maybe using the word loosely 'cause I'm not sure who invented me, and I and very, very lazy with regards to the site.

So I come back to my page and submit me, the author of LCEI, and hope that it will suffice as a suitable excuse for not adding anything for a few months. Hope to hear from you all soon.

Nuff love and laziness to all.

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The Ditto and the Etc...!!!

2008-07-22T07:28:00.000-07:00

Hey all you Lazy bums!

I have had a real influx of suggestions and info so I would like to thank those who were only slightly less lazy then an armchair and managed to waddle their flabby bodies in front of a

computer and email me some cool crap.

These will be on the blog in the next day or so as

a 'Lazy Fan item list'. I will add some comments or interesting tit-bits after each one as they have no explanations with them.

Don't know. We'll see.

Anyhoo!! Today I have a great one for you.

The 'ditto'! And as an afterthought the 'etc...'. Two phrases that signify our idea to carry on with a thought but with a complete lack of intention to actually do it. Ditto. DITTO?!? The ditto mark or Ibid (this ") means we can't be bothered to write with our hands. Please repeat the last or above as same. Whatever it is, the date, the time, the amount, a complex human phrase! Come on!! We can stretch that little bit of that extra sinew we rarely use and write a little more can't we?

And it's everywhere. In our newspapers, in our books. It's even in our schools damn it! But I know where it started. I do! Back in the 80's this really weird film came out featuring Patrick Swayze, when he was cool, and Demi Moore, when she was hot and you could pronounce her bloody name as should be, about a man who gets murdered discovers he's a ghost and tries to work out what happened to him and who was responsible. Now in this film the way the two main characters say 'I love you' to each other is this

She says 'I love you'

He says 'Ditto'

Now at the time that was quite kitch and even cute and funny. But looking back on it now I see it as the origin of this awfully lazy concept. She says 'I love you'. He says 'Ditto'. How f*ck*ng pathetic is that? He's too lazy to say I love you back? Even though he clearly does....after he dies!!!! he becomes sure of his love when there is no-one else and no way back. Convenient, huh?? He reels off this stupid fad/trend sweeping the 'I've just rediscovered this way of talking cool whilst still appearing intelligent' nation that is the USA and twists its usage to entail his semi-apparent feelings of 'maybe love maybe just a bulge in my pants' when confronted with a true emotion.

And then there's the 'etc'. How truly can't be bothered is that? Are we so close to drooling our last breath that we have to save it by using etc, etc....? Where's the effort? Is this the civilisation that landed on the moon and had two world wars due to a complete lack of things to do but shag? (joking! I'm sure there was lots to do before the invent of computers and the Internet)

"I was telling my bird you know, 'course I luv ya, no it looks great on ya', etc, etc... That did the job."

This is an example of 'etc' usage in speech. And be warned we use it for more often then you may realize. Possibly because we live in a world that has already said everything truly original before and we're left in an age of looping fashions and repetitive conversation. Maybe we're slowly awaiting something meaningful like space travel and a new horizon to explore and ruin as best as we the human race whilst debating whether we should or not or could we save it as we're destroying it. Sorry....where was I? Oh, yeah! The 'etc' and the 'ditto'!

"I had a dream, etc, etc..." Doesn't have the same ring to it does it? I think if Dr. King had used this to begin his speech it may of had less impact.

But hey, who am I kidding? We're a lazy people. We like being lazy. We prefer aimlessly wandering from metaphorical room to metaphorical room in search of something that may resemble a purpose to our completely purposeless lives. We want, blah, blah, blah, etc, etc........

A wise man once said

"In lazy apathy let stoics boast
Their virtue fix’d: ’t is fix’d as in a frost;
Contracted all, retiring to the breast;
But strength of mind is exercise, not rest."

-Alexander Pope

...err, ditto!...

...Is he slagging us off?

Ciao for now

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The Electric Toothbrush

2008-07-17T19:12:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone

Okay so far only a few select people have even bothered to view my blog spot but I am not deterred. Actually it strengthens my resolve and conviction in that what I am doing is in fact 100% accurate. People are just feeling too damn lazy to suggest crap!

I will persevere.

And like the sun peaking through a small break in the cloud filled sky above a suggestion was made from Junior Fuller.

So here it is with a few add-ons from me.

'Daniel

What about this for an alternative? The ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH! I went upstairs to the bathroom to take a piss and looked over at the sink and thought why the hell would anybody invent an electric toothbrush?

What for? Is it to save them from having to use their wrist for a full three minutes? PLEASE!

What's wrong with an ordinary toothbrush? People have been cleaning their teeth that way for years!

Junior Fuller'

I am in total agreement with you Junior. It is up there with the great items of Laziest Crap Ever Invented. With a normal brush you have use your own motivation and propel a small thin sticklike utensil back and forth across your teeth for maybe 3 to 4 minutes. What dead beat son of a goat could not be arsed and wanted rather only to stand motionless and let a battery operated machine remove the only gentle exercise they would probably give their bodies that morning?

And they still don't sell that many of them. Electric toothbrush companies continue to advertise largely and even go to the extreme of adding that dentists recommend them. See! They have to convince us that it's a toothbrush at all! Thankfully the general population are only just about called slackers, and keep the world turning for us truly lazy sods, by buy normal toothbrushes instead of the 'super-dooper-never-move-your-hand-again-o-matic!' If we all had these we may never leave the bathroom due to the despair of our own pitiful lives.

Thanks Junior and let this be the first of many such nuggets of lazy-genius.

Ciao for now

Cowboy Dan

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The Remote Control

2008-07-10T20:43:00.000-07:00

Here we have the classic lazy-boy item. Never far from the reach of every slumbering lump anywhere. This wonder of technology almost paved the way for all us lazy gits to never have to walk again. The magic wand of TV a machine so fantastical that you can flick from one unreal world to another at the mere press of a button.

This Zeus of lazy inventions sits up in buggerthatlympus with its fellow mega-inventions and scold the rest of world with an effort lacking smirk as if it were too painful just to lord arrogance over us. What shear torment has this assistant to the indolent deflected from us? The miles we would have had to walk back and forth from the television set endlessly changing channels one by one burning necessary fat cells we otherwise could have stored for the long winter ahead. Back and forth, back and forth.

I bow to this galactic utensil and wonder at its majesty. To think that barely fifty years ago a true artiste, of the reclining fashion, was so enraged by the need for constant trips to change the two or three channels on their television set that they announced loudly for all the living room could hear...

"B*gger that for a game of cards!"

And so was born the joy stick (No, not that one you perverts!!!), the controller of lives, the ambassador of the magical portal from where our hopes and dreams lay, to navigate our existence in holy matrimony to epic soap operas and BBC news.

We thank you and hope all that travel with you do so in the knowledge that in their hands lays history. One that has changed our outlook and shape as a species in this blighted and pock-marked world forever...

...for a chubbier one no doubt.

P.S. I felt compelled to add this video. All I can say is 'What a tool!'

Universal remote video with some guy who doesn't like sports

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The Treadmill

2008-07-10T07:16:00.000-07:00

A classic in lazy inventions but with a twist. Because, of course, it is meant for exercise yet it is such a waste of time and money in buying the damn thing in the first place when there is a perfectly good street, road, field, park just outside FOR FREE!!!

Some are bought for those who need to get back into shape after an operation or are just bloody old and can't get out that often. Fair enough. It is useful but then most of these inventions are to some or even many. But I have seen a few in houses of friends and colleagues and they just sit there, mocking your vegetative state. Goading you and your flabby personage lying there and gathering dust as you flick non-stop from shopping channel to shopping channel.

If you have one in your gym, or in your house you lucky rich sod, and often avoid it and most cardio-vascular exercise, then feel safe in the knowledge that you're not alone and among many truly lazy people of the world who have or pass these neglected machines ignoring it like the family do to the dejected relative who everyone refuses to speak to because of their ability to insult and embarrass with every breath they exhale.

Ignore the things my brethren!! LAZY PEOPLE UNITE!!!!.....

.....well, we would but not sure if it's worth it. Can we get back to you on that?

P.S. This video is great and really personifies how extremely active true laziness can be.

Ok Go! Treadmill Video

The Straw

2008-07-09T06:34:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful invention to kick us off on this quest. The humble straw. Infinitely useful and used around the globe. But, come on! Surely one of the laziest items to ever have been thought up!

The person who invented it was soooo lazy they couldn't even lift the small glass to their mouth far enough. Maybe they felt silly with the glass on the table in front of them and them opening and closing their mouths like a stranded fish on a baking hot beach and somehow expecting the liquid would leap majestically and enter their orifice.

Don't know. But what an invention. Since that day we can be so pathetically immobile that we put straws into everything; cans of soda, bottles of cola, sometimes even soup! Too lazy to find a glass or even a spoon. We use them to spitball other people in social areas of extreme laziness, mostly school the Mecca of lazy. We can even construct mammoth towers of straws to steal other peoples drinks from afar. What a truly great and lazy creation.

Even though they could be counted as leisurely fun for the ability to blow bubbles into our beverages I still hold that the straw may be the laziest piece of crap ever invented.

Let me know yours.

Too lazy to pick up a beer

The "Laziest Crap Ever Invented" List

2008-07-08T19:21:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone

It has come to fold that our civilisation has become somewhat of a creative force in many, many ways. From industrial revolutions to the space race. From global warming to cosmetic surgery. We love to create and invent. Its our curiosity instinct at full throttle and don't ya just damn well love it. Think of all the amazing things that have sprung into being from the dreams of mankind. The wheel, steam locomotion, electricity, cars, nuclear fusion, satellites. Created by geniuses, barring the first one...but he or she was probably pretty damn smart compared to the rest of their species at the time, and mostly inspired by the natural world or human need.

But lets ponder on the real drivers of world trends and multi-million dollar franchises. The people that make our lives simpler and have done for thousands of years...

...the lazy git!

It seems a contradiction in terms but because of this lack-jawed mopping sloth we now have some of the most useful and wonderful items made around the world for our everyday use. It may not be the git inventing the items but they are made for them in mind.

So, what I hope to achieve, in true lazy git fashion, is all your suggestions on the Laziest Crap Ever Invented. Send me your ideas with explanations please and I will make the best ones into a top 100 list to be voted on. Then all you fellow lazy sods can half-heartedly click a single button and low and behold.....(dramatic piano chord)....we shall have the ultimate list of The Laziest Crap Ever Invented!!!!!!

This is just for fun guys but try and make what sloth-like pathetic effort you can. I'm sure most of you will read this think about suggesting something get bored, can't be bothered then find your so amazingly lazy that you haven't the will power or energy to even get of this damn blog so you strain a few fingers over the keyboard fumbling you lifeless fingers on some keys in the vain hope that it will write itself. Hey, I'm sure that day is just around the corner.

All the best to you guys.

My next post will be a little list to help you kick-start your feeble brains into sluggish action. Remember this is all for fun. Anything racist or truly hateful will be deleted immediately......if I can be bothered. *Yawn*

Thank (insert preferable Deity here/atheistic remark) for lazy people.

Love 'em or hate 'em we just can't be arsed to kill 'em.